ALERT PAULA DEAN. ALERT PAULA DEAN! I’m not buying it Thai man-boy, (the jig’s up Fred Armisen). I bet ya’ll were just fine on butter, then YOU got creative, (and are probably limping as a result). After watching this I was all “Girrrrl where’d you get your lip gloss?”. BUT THIS IS SUR-OSSES (if he can make all of his words plural, so can I). Screw our sagging economy, Obama needs to air drop MOAH BUTTAH to these var-fen-oogens and STAT. Christmas cakes aren’t ever going to be born, cuz of US’es!! I’m going to go eat a vat of sour cream with a spatula while I make butter angels in my back yard, cos’ I’m an Amur-gan, and I took allllll of this chick’s buttah and I need to FIX IT. At the very least, thank god he isn’t threatening to take away our red sausaged. That’s not a typo, it’s sausaged. Which is, ironically enough, probably what this lad had on his to-do list for today.
Sorries Visa… October 14, 2011
Haven’t posted in frrreverr, I know. I’ve been busy…yadda yadda yadda.
Anyway, if you haven’t joined ideeli.com, you really should- if anything for your boredom fueled on-line window shopping quest. I check their sales once a week and 9 times out of 10 find some really cute stuff.
One of my favorite stores, BCBG-Maxazria is having a sale today & here’s what’s in my bag:
Royale Square Watch $84.99
Black watches have become the new ‘rose-gold” watch, a’la Michael Kors. (Still in lurrve with my r-g watch from Alloy.com that they discontinued…).
Shelby Skirt $59.99
I spotted this skirts twin at H&M, but let’s just go ahead and assume this one is by chance higher quality (fact). Perfect piece for the holidays. Simple & adorable when pieced with the right accessories.
Sweater with Sequins $69.99
Pair with dark skinny jeans and a bold or metallic heel and off you go! Super easy.
Beaded Fringe Clutch $74.99
Snagged this to go with my go-to LBD. Now I just need to get MDB to plan a date and I’m set!
Medallion Embellished Dress $99.99
Still crushing on this color from summer, so this beauty will have to hang out in my closet till Spring.
Bod & Christensen is also having a sale on Ideeli.com, and I found this new must-have and ended up quoting Top Gun out loud till I started getting weird looks from my coworkers. Deal with it pals, I have a need for speed this jacket:
Merino Sherling Belted Bomber $399.00
Pretty sure this baby paired with knee-high brown riding boots would melt the heart of any Iceman.
Fact: you can buy all the clothes you want, but if you are clueless how to actually pull together an outfit or look polished, it’s all for nothing. Enter, the necessary scarf. Here’s what I’m snagging from Bindya, also having a sale on Ideeli.com:
Stole Circle Scarf $34.99
Digitial Partners Strokes Scarf $34.99
ANND! What makes these guys worth the $34.99 each is that they totally can be worn year round. Budget friendly bang-for-your-buck!
Now this next one, WOW Couture, (use “couture loosely”…), their stuff tends to look very “stripper going to a parent teacher conference”, but with anything, sometimes you get lucky and find sumthin’:
Cross Bandage Dress $39.99
Pairing this with a denim jacket (sup 90′s!) and my BFF brown cowboy boots. Sometimes taking something down a couple notches makes it a whole different onsomble.
Happy Shopping! xo
Disco Mania September 16, 2011
September is supposed to be the ‘happy month”, large in part due to everything I think St. Louis really had to offer culminates during this month. Every weekend is jam packed with festivals, hot air balloon glows & launches, carnivals, art fairs and apple picking adventures. This is the month I look at my calendar and feel like “gee, I look like I have a life- who knew!”. It is only natural that I get sick right off the bat at the beginning of the month and land in the hospital for a week. Closely followed by Connor getting sick his third day into preschool- then in turn getting the rest of us sick taking us out of the social scene for yet another week. Fast forward to this week, finding a nail in my tire, Connor breaking out in hives & swelling up to the size of Violet Beauregarde, Robby yelling in German, laptops crashing, car warning lights coming on- we’re ready for October.
I naturally blame all of this on Michael and him switching all of us to an organic diet a few weeks ago. I take the man one weekend to a farmers market in the city and he finds organic smoked meat sticks and it’s all over. He immediately made plans for how we will raise chickens, make dinners from scratch like the Amish every night and forgo normal child-fare related treats. We’ve made all of our meals and snacks from fresh stuff from there since, (which is a total time raper and moot maneuver), and nature has bitten us back rather hard. In theory, this should make a family healthier and more energetic. Quite the opposite for us, it has been a beacon of bad juju. Viva la pesticides and preservatives!
The plan now is to survive till it’s pumpkin time and get this damned month over without having to commit one of our troop to the nut house. So, dear universe, I would like for one week to be emergency room and automobile drama free, where Connor goes to school a full week, Robby doesn’t act like a Kraut in heat and Michael welcome’s frozen waffles & Chinese take-out back into our lives.
It’s not a lot to ask for. It’s not like I’m asking for world peace or a pony. Although, the later would be quite fun to ride around the block.
Skrilla Sava September 15, 2011
Okay, promise that’s the last time (today) I will use my “rap” lingo. Since pale Irish/Germans totally have the authority to talk like a hustler. Moving on.
Two things I spend a decent amount of money on: Eye Glasses and makeup.
The former because I loose them constantly or they get broken by one of the midgets I live with, and the latter because I am that pale and if home-girl doesn’t have at least one coat of sumthin’ on her face I look more washed out that Kate Bosworths forehead. I had to get creative with finding replacements for these items, because, let’s face it- a new pair of spec’s usually runs me $600-$800 a pair. I have found the online answers to both of my quandries and am happy to share:
1. Glasses: ZENNI OPTICAL http://www.zennioptical.com
What’s so great? For $8 a pair, you have super cute glasses that you won’t spaz out on when you loose them or break them. They have a TON of varieties for everyone’s face shape. This girl suggests buying a couple pair at a time, in different colors- tis more fun that way. What do you need to do? Slyly call or go visit your local Len’s Crafters or the last Dr. that gave you a vision test. You will need them to print out your prescription for you- so when you’re ordering on Zenni you have all of your information ready to fill in. I fibbed and told my Len’s Crafters I was going overseas and was concerned that if I lost my glasses I wouldn’t have a way to get new one’s made there. 10 minutes later, they faxed it over and I was ordering my new glasses. The downside? It takes Zenni two months to get your glasses back to you- so plan a head. Overall, utterly worth it, and soooo fun to play with.
2. Make-up: ELF COSMETICS http://www.eyeslipsface.com
What’s so great? Everything is pretty much $1. Seriously. The quality is not Clinique but it’s also a far cry from that god awful Wet N’ Wild (ew?) brand. What’s even more wonderful, is that you can search on yahoo/bing/whatever for “coupon codes for elf” and you will ALWAYS find either a free shipping or 50% off coupon add-on. So, in theory, one could get 15 different lipsticks, for $15- and not pay any shipping. When it arrives it’s like Christmas! Also very helpful when you’re 3 year old uses your stash o’ sticks as markers to draw on his little brothers face.
Happy browsing! xo
Just keep swimming. September 13, 2011
One time in college, I was summoned home to show a certain parent who will remain nameless (mom) how to turn the laptop on. True story. True pathetically sad sad story.
Go elderlies!
Third Day September 8, 2011
Yesterday morning Connor woke up and told me “No school, I sweepie.” I battled him to get dressed and head to school- but he did it and had a great day. This morning, at 3 am- he woke up screaming that there was “A shawk in mah froat.” He refused to sleep (which then means no one else gets to either), and kept telling us about this throat “shawk”. It’s his third day in at school, and he’s sick. Wonderful. Just flippin’ wonderful. So we let him stay home with his Kraut yelling machine of a little brother and the nanny. I so much as pull out of the driveway and the nanny calls my cell telling me Connor’s throwing up all over the place. Excellent.
I’m now sitting on amazon looking up HASMAT suits and simultaneously seeing if it’s legal in Missour-ah to dip your child in latex before sending him to school. Third day in, and he’s sick. What the heck is this flu season going to be like if he cant even make it 72 hours? Mom’s- I need your help!!! I am so worried that he is just going to be constantly sick- then getting Robby sick- then us. It’s a spiral of doom and I do not know how to handle it without freaking out. Is this why parents home school their kids? You know, aside from being nuts.
Ack.
First day of school! September 7, 2011
That would have been nice, had that been the way Connor approached his first day of school. But it was more akin to Waco sans gun fire. Bright and early at 6:30 we woke the C-Man up, and fought him tooth and nail to get dressed. I threw his back pack on him, handed him a Capri Sun and off to school we went!
Half asleep and rearing to go!
We loaded everyone in the car, and headed to Carmelite. I know every Mom I have ever dealt with/talked to reflects on their kiddo’s first day of school as being so hard for them- that they could not stop crying. I joined that club, hard. I couldn’t look at Connor the whole way to school without bursting into tears. We pulled into the parking lot and I sobbed. Connor chirped from the back seat “No sad Moma! No sad! Es okay!” which naturally made me cry even harder. Tears streamed down as I made him stand in front of his school for his token “1st day” picture. People. Were. Starring.
I sucked it up, grabbed his hand- and we walked inside to find his classroom. One of his teachers, Janet, showed him where his cubby was and where to hang up his back pack. Mike and I stood on the sidelines and watched our baby become a kiddo. Tears were a flowin’ again. Janet introduced herself to us- and then I started to recognize her a little. Janet, or the lady I called Mrs. Kerr, was the same teacher assistant I had when I was in kindergarten- and now she was Connor’s teacher. Small world. That made me feel a little better, although it made Janet feel horribly old. Connor and I walked around and introduced him to the other kids in his class. There was a little girl, who was not to happy about leaving Mom, standing in the corner boo-hooing. Connor walked up and asked her what her name was. He came galloping back and told me, she was Kelsey- and she was sad-like Moma. Sad face. I told Connor that Kelsey was a little scared to be away from her Mommy, and he ran up and gave her a big bear hug. Kelsey giggled and all was well. Mike and I took this distraction as a time to slip out the door, before I broke down in tears again. I blew him a kiss, and he was off on his first day.
All day long, Michael got emails from me saying “I want to go get him”, “Do you think they would care if I came and just watched him all day?”, “What if he gets sad, and I’m not there. You know, because we abandoned him?”, “I think it would be okay if I went to go see him.”- to the point poor Michael almost lost his mind.
At the end of the day I hopped in the car, more excited than I have been in years. I bounced up and down the whole way driving to go get him. I cut off old people and cripples a like on the highway- I was on a mission.
I get to his school, and find all the kiddos playing outside in the sand boxes. He found me first, screamed “MOMA!!!” and gave me the same look I give him when he wanders off in the grocery store and I finally find him. He jumped spider monkey style on me, and asked if he could go home now. He was dirty, sweaty, smelled like boy, and was thrilled to exhaustion. He had a great day- made a lot of new friends, and slept REALLY WELL last night.
Tubing September 7, 2011
Well, hello there, friend. Long time.
One of us (ME!) took a nice little sojourn to the hospital for a week. Right after the 4th of July, I started spiking these insanely high fevers. When I say insane, I mean that’s exactly how it made me feel. Words would swirl in the air, I saw sounds- and I wasn’t even at Lolapoloza! Weeee! Michael took me to the ER July 5th, and I had a 105 degree fever. Twas’ so high, they were concerned that my brain would boil itself. How cute- unconsciously cooking. The Dr.’s ran a plethora of tests- and “found nothing”. So I was sent home with antibiotics and an ice pack- you know- in case my brain starting cooking itself again.
Fast forward to last week, the end of August. For a month now, I had been feeling like I was at 40%. I was throwing up all the time like a cocker spaniel and all I wanted to do was sleep. Then the fevers came back. Mike grew concerned after I informed him that the word “glitter” does not in fact sparkle when you say it. Many rolled eyes and furrowed brows later I was back in the ER. Turns out the last time I was there, in July, they had found an infection but had not informed me of it- or treated it. Way to go white coats! The infection apparently threw a month long party and invited friends and friends of friends- literally almost killing me. I’m all for a party, but not that kind! They admitted me to the hospital where I got to stay in a lovely state of semi medicated consciousness. I was diagnosed with a blood infection, visa vie my liver, visa vie my bladder & kidneys- all gross organs I do not like talking about. It was painful and spooky. The week past by as a blur. Nurses would come in, I would see them as colorful fuzz. I had multiple tubes in every arm, which was possibly the most annoying thing I have ever experienced. I would try to sleep on my side and alarms would go off, sending teams of nurses and doctors in. Sleeping in a hospital is impossible. When I did finally get to sleep, this woman I named Mosquito, would come in and try to take blood. I say try, because she rarely was successful- after the literal 20th time of stabbing me, she would give up and leave. My veins are not meant to be stabbed, just seen and admired through my friggen transparent flesh. The fever went down, and I started feeling a bit better. I watched entirely too much day time TV- to the point I started hating humanity. Dr. Oz & Tyra Banks are absolute shit. Sorry for the “s-word”, but they really are. I watched more Judge shows and commercials for hearing aids than I ever cared to. After 4 days of tubing & Tyra, I got to go home. My arms now revel those of Keith Richards circa 1970, bruises and scars as far as the eye can see. Vunderbar! Hopefully now I won’t have to go back there, ever- and this is the end of the month long health hell.
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